Extract from Dancing in my Nuddy Pants
Once more I am beyond the Valley of the Confused and
treading lightly in the Uniervse of the Huge Red Bottom. What is the matter
with me? I love the Sex God and he is my only one and only, but try telling that
to my lips. Dave the Laugh only has to say, “You owe me a snog,” and then they
start puckering up. Well, they can go out on their own in future.
4:30p.m.
I wonder why the Sex God hasn’t phoned me? The Stiff Dylan’s
got back yesterday from their recording shenanigan. Maybe he got van lag from
travelling to London? Or maybe he has spoken to Tom and Tom just happened to
say, “Oh Robbie, we all went to a fish party last night and when we were
playing Truth, Dare, Kiss or Promise your new girlfriend Georgia accidently
snogged Dave the Laugh. You should have
been there; it was a brilliant display of red-bottomosity. You would have loved
it!”
Oh God. Oh Goddy God God. I am a red-bottomed minx.
4:35p.m.
On the other foot, no one saw me accidently snog Dave the
Laugh, so maybe it can be a secret that I will never tell. Even in my grave.
4:45pm.
But what if Jas has accidently thought about something else
besides her fringe and put two and tweo together vis-a-vis Dave the Laugh, and
blabbed to her so-called boyfriend Tom. She is, after all, Radio Jas.
Once more, I am stranded in the devil’s lair, also known as
the headmistress’s office. I don’t know how I end up here at least three times
a week, when I don’t actually do anything wrong. It takes two to start a fight,
right?? Wrong. In this case, it took one, Jade Ford the little slapper from my Drama
class. So here I am, sat once again, in the piss-stained chairs plotting her
death for probably the 7th time this month and contemplating how the
hell I’m going to get out of trouble this time.
4:30p.m.
Where is the teacher? I’ve been sat here for half an hour
and I’m getting more and more nervous as the time goes by. I shouldn’t be
nervous though, because as I said before, it’s not my fault. It’s NEVER my
fault. Why it is my fault that Jade can’t seem to balance on the stage? Why is
it my fault that she can’t take full care of her props? Why is it MY fault that
her costume fell apart during the performance? It’s not. If she wasn’t as much
of an idiot and wasn’t as clumsy, nothing like this would happen to her, has
NOTHING to do with me.
N-O-T-H-I-N-G and I am confident that I am in the right.
4:35p.m.
Where the hell is this woman? Does she think I have all day
to wait around? Maybe she didn’t have a life at school, but I do. There are probably
about a million of my friends waiting outside this very door to find out what
evil, backwards, torturing punishment she’s given me...
4:40p.m.
This is ridiculous. If she’s not here within the next 5
minutes I am leaving. She can’t expect me to wait here all day, I have people
to see, pranks to plan, which may or may not involve Jade... Right, I know what
you’re thinking. I’m obviously the genius criminal mastermind behind all of
this? No. Just because I happened to be stood behind her during the performance
when she fell off the stage (and my arms have a tendency to swing forwards when
I act) doesn’t mean that I pushed her. Just because, some of her props ended up
in my bag during the performance doesn’t mean I stole them. I was framed. It
could have happened to anyone. FINALLY, just because I was the only one to be
seen with a sewing kit when her costume fell to pieces, doesn’t mean I had
anything to do with her unravelling dress. I SWEAR TO YOU - IT WASN’T ME.
4:45p.m.
I hear voices. Crap, I think she’s outside. Act calm, keep
cool. Not that I have anything to worry about, because it wasn’t me.
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